My
original idea on this post was to be inspiring.
I was going to say how I had a rough week but bicycle wisdom helped me
overcome every problem and slay all my dragons.
Unfortunately, life is not always that simple and sometimes that slain
dragon rears its ugly head and refuses to die.
So instead of a fairly tale, I present you with the ugly truth of how I
learned something about myself this week and what I’m doing to move forward. (feel free to skip over the first part if
this looks too long and you don’t really care about context)
You
may or may not know that I am currently working on my research project as part
of my masters in music therapy. Things
had been progressing very nicely for the last month and I was even ahead of
schedule. While I made jokes about
waiting for the shoe to drop, I silently (and foolishly) believed that things
would continue to float along. Why did
everyone think this was so hard? Boy was
I wrong. By the grace of God (and a tip
from my friend Su), I double checked the deadlines to submit my proposal to the
integrity review board. Somehow, I had
missed that they met in December and my last chance to submit before January
was a mere one week away. This was
bad. I had a lot of logistical issues
and revisions to deal with and this deadline was serious. Submitting in January left a good chance that
I wouldn’t be able to graduate in May (which could create a whole slew of new
problems). Well, I stayed calm, made a
schedule, contacted who I needed to, did what I could, and hoped for the best
through the weekend.
On
Monday, I was still feeling optimistic until I got home from class and running
errands around 2:00. In my email inbox
sat the revisions from one of my advisors.
Now, when an email begins with, “Don’t panic, I’ve been there,” you know
it isn’t going to be pretty. In front of
me appeared several weeks worth of work and my looming deadline was a mere
three days away. I panicked. Not knowing what else to do, I went for a
bike ride to think and clear my mind. As
I came to the top of one of the hills I frequently do repeats on, I had my “moment
of inspiration” that I thought this post was going to be about. My realization was that life is not defined
by our easy moments. You don’t get the
downhill without the climb, there is no finish line without the race, and there
is no happy ending without the struggle to find it. I would face this obstacle head-on and I would
overcome it.
Easier
said than done. Back at home, I had a
quick Skype session with Ian and then faced my computer screen ready to
work. Panic began to creep in and my
chest tightened. I Skyped Ian back (he
made the mistake – bless his heart – of asking what was wrong) and I promptly
burst into hysterics. He eventually calmed me down and got started chipping
away at my project, surrounded by a cloud of misery. The next morning, I continued to work, taking
frequent breaks to fume at my misfortune.
Why had my advisers not informed me of the December blackout dates? Why had my professor made so many
changes? Why was my other adviser not
getting back to me? Shouldn’t I have
gotten more guidance? Why did I choose to do a thesis at all? I was quick to blame anyone and everyone
(everyone except myself, that is).
The
next morning, I woke up before dawn as usual and headed to 5:45 am swim
practice. As I pulled on my cap and
goggles, my Masters coach, Rue, came over for a little chat. He informed me that he had been reviewing my
race reports and believed he had discovered something. In all of the races I was unhappy with, I
reported getting “too comfortable” or “letting myself settle in.” His plan to fix this, Rue informed me that I
would be doing something really tough that I would hate at the end of every
practice until spring. Oh boy.
After
practice, I couldn’t shake what Rue had said about my pattern of getting
comfortable; it’s more than that. I do
not like being uncomfortable or out of control. I have always been this way (despite years of
adamant claims that I was the go-with-the-flow free spirit type). This has long been personified by my
relationship with food and exercise, my love of cleanliness, and my detailed
scheduling. Additionally, I tend to make
excuses and blame others for my shortcomings.
I blamed my small hometown for my unhappy adolescence, I blamed my
parents’ strict rules for my teenage rebellion, I blamed my collegiate music
department when my performance started to slip, and I was doing it now with my
thesis.
I
realized (mid-run, of course) that this need for control and willingness to
blame others has created a terrible pattern.
When things don’t go according to plan, I often panic over that loss of
control, quickly blame circumstances or people outside of my power, and use
this as an excuse to give up. While it’s
all turned out for the best, I wonder if I quit singing because I truly didn’t
love it anymore or if it was just too hard to face the reality of the difficult
future ahead of me when I didn’t get into graduate school.
Most
commonly, I see this on the run portion of a triathlon. I always feel great through the swim and bike
but lose confidence on the run and therefore don’t push myself the way I
should. I distinctly remember this happening
at 2012 collegiate nationals. I got off
of the bike in a very strong position but as I made my way through the run
course, more and more girls flew past me as though I was standing still (and I
didn’t pass a single one). I am ashamed
to admit that at one point I found myself wishing an old injury would act up or
my stomach would cramp so I could have an excuse as to why I ran so poorly
(eventually, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy and I cramped worse than I ever
had in my life). I gave up.
Thankfully,
that is not the end of the story. I
eventually called my mom on Thursday who reminded me of how much I’ve overcome
in recent years, how I’ve changed so many of my habits and negative thought
patterns, and how strong of a woman I’ve grown into. And of course, because mothers always are,
she’s right. It is through internal
strength, not blaming or defeatism, that I’ve fought to overcome many of my
inner battles, how I’ve developed strong and positive mental health, succeeded
thus far in graduate school, and found joy in the sport of triathlon. While the control-blame-quit cycle is a pattern within my failures, it is not a pattern which controls my life.
As
I jump full force into base training this week, I have a few new goals for
myself. 1. Be ok with losing control a
little and deviating from my plans. I
continue to work on my faith in God that there is a bigger plan and things will
all work out in the end even if I can’t see it in the moment. 2. Don’t play the blame game. Every time I make an excuse, I will work to
counter it, forget the excuse, and face the situation head-on. 3.
NEVER GIVE UP. I plan to extend
my limits and push myself just a little farther every time I’m ready to
quit. With these three simple rules in
my playbook, I’m excited to see what is ahead as training amps up again. I hope
Coach Mace, Coach Rue, and my teammates hold me accountable so I can truly find
the best within myself.
Oh,
and in case you were wondering, that proposal got submitted on Thursday with a
whole two minutes to spare. Onward.
Finding some bike-induced inspiration
Sho
Showing a little grit: that is NOT the face of a quitter :)
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